Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
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me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Shark week, but for squirrels.