Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG

Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”