A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
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Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.