families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
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Livid.
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I put the I in Insufferable.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Facebook memories be like
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo