I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
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Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.