“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
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The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Every haunted house movie:
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share