I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
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White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
new wife guy just dropped
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live