Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
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Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Hmm, not sure about this change
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.