Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.

Judge: That’s my job!

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting