The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
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The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.