Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
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Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?