Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

“Great, now I have to pee.”

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

My dog: PLAY WITH ME!

Me: *grabs toy*

My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

it’s either covid or clever vampires

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people