Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!

Read to your child.

#Mothersday #booklovers

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.