Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

this FaceApp is creepy af

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.