Spa day..😅
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Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
this is a sign that you need a union
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
