BETRAYAL
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Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.