The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
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Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.