Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄

Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.