The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
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ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what