My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
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[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Roses are red, you always mattered,
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.