Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
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I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.