I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
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Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?