Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs