Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
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“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.