Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.

My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day

Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

what the

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”