Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell

With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter

I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.