Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
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I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
you gotta be faster
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.