Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200

me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)