I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
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Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Good point.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.