My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
You Might Also Like
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
*Inspirational Tweets*
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
FINE, I WON’T.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”