Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

Me buying fruit and veg

Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

Okay, I’m still confused…

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.