Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

Time for evil

Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.