A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
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Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
I’m having an out of money experience.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”