This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
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“How do you do, fellow birds?”
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.