Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
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[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
This trial is so absurd 😭
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?