Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
You Might Also Like
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
kids play hide and seek like
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken