how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
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You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
it must be school picture day
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]