Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

Just had my nails done!

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭