A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
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Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.