to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
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Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
Brother?
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.