Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.