I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
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Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Pot warmers of the day.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.