turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
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[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on