your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
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[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before