*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
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If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
This one never gets the credit it deserves
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.