me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
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“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
fr
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
This forever.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I only treason on days ending in y
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security