Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
I have a type: disappointing
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
