“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
definitely did not do anything wrong
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
