I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
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My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Good news
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”