Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
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Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
also my go-to takeaway order
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
lot going on here, legally speaking.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?